Thursday, February 02, 2006

All Bow to His Holiness, Isiah
By Bryan Koch

Recently, a multitude of sports columnists have had their way with Knicks President Isiah Thomas, criticizing him in light of a foundering team and a well-publicized conflict with former Knicks executive Anucha Brown Sanders. Frankly, I’m fed up with it. All of these writers and radio personalities must understand that Thomas is destined to succeed; his acquisition of key talents Penny Hardaway, Malik Rose, Quentin Richardson, and Jerome James will unquestionably pay off. And how do I know this? Well, it’s quite simple.

Isiah Lord Thomas III is a reincarnated prophet. Yes, that’s right. Isiah Thomas speaks for God Himself.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. At first, you were stunned, maybe even incredulous. But after pondering it for a little while, it begins to make sense, doesn’t it? That twinkle in his eye? His holy wars with Larry Bird and Michael Jordan? That’s right. So don’t crucify this man just yet, Knicks fans. We can rest assured: Isiah Thomas will resurrect this franchise from the ground.

Still not convinced? Consider a brief comparison between Thomas and Isaiah the Hebrew, a central figure of the Old Testament. The similarities will simply astound you:

Isaiah the Hebrew was of royal lineage – he was the cousin of Uzziah, King of the Ancient Judah.

Isiah Thomas also has ties to royalty, as evidenced by his being selected spokesman for National Popcorn Poppin’ Month.

In Hebrew tradition, the name Isaiah means “salvation.”

In basketball tradition, the meaning of the name Isiah is a little fuzzier, but is generally associated with Biblical Armageddon.

Isaiah the Hebrew struggled with the Christians throughout his life.

Isiah Thomas also has had difficulties with the Christians; particularly notable is his hissy-fit when Christian Laettner was selected over him for the last spot on the Dream Team.

Isaiah the Hebrew was a prophet, and it is suggested that he was something of a soothsayer.

Isiah Thomas also boasts extrapolative powers. For example, he correctly predicted that Jerome James would be worth thirty million dollars.

Isaiah the Hebrew is often linked to – and perhaps even married – Deborah the Prophetess, the only female Judge in Ancient Israel, according to the Old Testament.

Isiah Thomas also has a way with the women, and often finds them playing hard to get (one is so attracted to him, she’s threatening a six million dollar law suit!) “What, I can’t get any love from you today?”

Biblical tradition suggests that Isaiah the Hebrew ultimately became a martyr, honorably refusing to renounce his religious doctrine. He was consequentially sawn in half.

Isiah Thomas is also a man of principle: As long as you let him win, he’ll shake your hand. Also, many Knicks fans want him to be sawn in half.

Isaiah the Hebrew was known for his candor, especially in regard to his faith.

Isiah Thomas is also recognized for his honesty, especially in regard to his efforts to get opposing players trashed in strip clubs before a game.

Under the watch of Isaiah the Hebrew, the Kingdom of Judah largely flourished.

Under the watch of Isiah Thomas, the Continental Basketball Association went bankrupt within two years.

Isaiah the Hebrew was a strong, confident, impressive speaker, who was never afraid to talk about his faith.

Isiah Thomas also is a remarkable articulator. In fact, when he signed on with NBC, his verbal analysis was so impressive that the network executives didn’t want him upstaging the clearly inferior Bob Costas, and had no choice but to remove him from the booth.

Although he dealt with blasphemers, Assyrian wars, and the expectations of an entire kingdom, Isaiah the Hebrew was ultimately successful in every endeavor of his professional career.

Isiah Lord Thomas III has faced similar adversity, in the form of logic, reason and some crazed executive who just wouldn’t give it up. And although he’s managed to destroy everything he’s touched, including his own reputation, Isiah Thomas is clearly a man who has God on his side.


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