Tuesday, February 14, 2006

The Birthday Wish List
By Ben Valentine

So to complete the trifecta of this blog’s Valentine’s day activity, I’ve decided to chime in with some musings of my own on this day of “love”. Of course in my case, I feel doubly pathetic; how can Ben Valentine, born on Valentine’s day, not have a date on what is by all rights, my holiday? To top it off I’ve never had a date on my birthday. Somehow I’ve never been able to turn “Wow, you were born on Valentine’s day and your last name is Valentine, that is so cool!” into anything more than that. So yeah, I’ve got both Zach and David beat, as if that’s something to be proud of.

However, since it is my 23rd birthday I feel I’m entitled to some wishes. That number to be exact. Naturally, I’ve left off the “team wins championship” since they’re obvious choices and just waste space on a list like this. I mean do you guys really need to see me write “I really hope the Jets win the Super Bowl in 2007,” or “I’m wishing for an Amazin 2006 for the Mets.” Didn’t think so. Anyway, the list is ordered from 23 to numero uno. Enjoy.

23. Some baseball player to have his at bat music (the song that plays when he comes up) be Pink Floyd’s “Money”. It works on so many levels. For example, imagine if A-Rod strolled to the plate with when they sing the words “I’m in a high fidelity first class traveling set and I think I need a Leer Jet”. Seriously, how A-Rod is that? Also if Mo Vaughn were still playing, “Mo Money, Mo Problems” would suffice.

22. Ron Artest becomes the NBA’s most dynamic player. I’d find it funny to find the mainstream media sucking up to their former most hated man in the NBA.

21. Skip Bayless to just go away. Self explanatory.

20. Olympic commentators become listenable. Seriously, these people only come out once ever four years. Couldn’t they spend some of that time coming up with something interesting to say outside of “magnificent, beautiful performance” for people they like (and are favored) and “ooh that mistake’s going to cost him/her, well he/she tried hard” for those who aren’t considered favorites.

19. The Knicks to get the #1 pick this year… which would then be shipped to the Bulls as part of the Eddie Curry trade. Believe me Knick fans, after years of suffering through all of you making fun of my Nets fandom, this is payback.

18. The return of the Montreal Expos as an MLB franchise. Montreal is a great city and they got shafted by the evils of Bud Selig. Besides, who doesn’t miss Youppi?

17. For the ability to go back in time, and stop Jim Duquette from trading Scott Kazmir for Victor Zambrano. Also self explanatory and probably on the wish lists of every Mets fan out there.

16. In the second round of the 2006 NFL draft, the Jets take Sinronce Moss, Santana’s younger brother, and give him # 83, thus making my “retro” Moss jersey wearable again. Along with this, the Jets can draft D’Brickashaw Ferguson in round 1 and Marcus Vick in round 3. Voila… the start of something special on offense!

15. Stuart Scott and Stephen A. Smith to go away with Skip Bayless. The revolution does not need blatant stereotypes.

14. Jae Seo wins 20 games this season, proving me and all his believers right.

13. Henrik Lundqvist to win the Vezina and the Calder trophies. This would almost guarantee the Rangers are one of the top seeds in the Eastern Conference.

12. Jose Reyes actually changes his name legally to “Run, Don’t Walk”, or actually learns how to get the free pass to first. Either way the entertainment value would be off the charts.

11. Winning my fantasy baseball league, ideally with many of the players from my team last year. Don’t celebrate yet, Zach, T-Bone, John and David, I’m not going to be stupid enough to draft Dan Haren and Jeremy Bonderman in the 1st round.

10. Jason Kidd remembers what defense was. The hall of famer can still bring it on the offensive end of the court, but defensively he’s one of the biggest liabilities in the NBA. Unless Nenad Krstic becomes a dominant force in the middle, allowing the Nets to outscore their opponents, or the Nets get a great defensive big man, they’re going to have trouble against the top teams in the postseason.

9. Aaron Heilman wins 20 games in 2006. It will make me look smart considering all the hyping I’ve done of him on the blog. Preferably, this would be for the Mets.

8. A date with Jessica Biel. Okay I know this has the least chance of happening (yeah, I’ve got a better chance of going back in time to stop the Kazmir trade), but hey it’s a wish, not a prediction!

7. Trinidad gets out of the first round of the World Cup. It would probably be the biggest upset of the entire tournament.

6. To repeat as NCAA tournament pool champion. Repeats in anything are hard to do. This one has an added bonus as well, but with respect to Janet Jones Gretzky, I won’t say what that is.

5. Getting a full time job covering sports in the NY area. Quite self explanatory.

4. For just two of these things on this list to actually happen. Is that so much to ask?

3. To score a date with a cute female sports fan. This one has a slightly better chance of happening than the Jessica Biel wish.

2. The ultimate dream… become the owner of my own MLB franchise. Preferably the Montreal Expos. All I need is a couple of hundred million dollars to lay the groundwork. Contributors will have jobs in the organization. Come on, you know I could run a team better than the geniuses who are overseeing the Dodgers/Royals/Pirates…

1. To be able to see one of my teams win a championship. Yeah, I said I would exclude this from the list, but this is a slightly different wish. I’d like any of my favorite teams to win a championship, I don’t care which one. The Rangers won in 94, but with my lack of cable TV (then and now) I wasn’t able to watch. Seeing my team win it all is something that has never happened for me before. It’d be nice to experience, especially after seeing all those Yankee fans get it every… damn… year…

So that’s it for my wishes for this year. What are the odds any of these actually come true? Check back next Ben Valentine’s day and I’ll let you know how this year turned out.

2 Comments:

Blogger C said...

jessica biel looks like a man

4:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How do you choose Biel over "Hot Korean chick?"

4:28 PM  

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