Monday, November 28, 2005

Why Michael Irvin Should Keep His Job
By Zach

So the blogging community is up in arms about the lack of outrage over Michael Irvin's latest run-in with the law. For those too lazy to click on the link, Irvin was pulled over for speeding and a police officer found drug paraphanaelia in his car. Of course, Irvin has been here before: in 2001 he was arrested for possession of cocaine. Looking at the timeline in that last story, it's clear that Mike is no stranger to the law.

Irvin's excuse this time was that the bong or whatever wasn't his, that he took it from a friend of his who had just left rehab. Why not put the bong in his house? Because it was Thanksgiving, and his kids were around, and he didn't want them to find it. Clearly, he had no choice. Some people feel that if he's lying, he deserves to be fired by ESPN as an analyist since he's still using drugs. To that, I say this: who is better qualified than a drug user to analyze the NFL? I mean, you thought Irvin had a good rapport with receivers? Can you imagine what might come out if ESPN allowed him to smoke out Randy Moss? Sports journalism would never know what hit it.

Plus, constructing elaborate excuses to avoid blame is all the rage in sports right now, just ask Rafael Palmeiro. From now on, when we hear Irvin blindly defend Terrell Owens' latest form of career suicide or anyone on the Vikings' Love Boat, we'll know that his is a special sort of inside information. If Irvin can keep his job, it would give hope to the millions of Americans each year who are unfairly fired just because their jerk bosses refuse to believe that the reason they failed their drug test is that they didn't walk quickly enough through Alphabet City.

Meanwhile, on the off chance Irvin is telling the truth, he'd instead become an inspiration, a rallying cry for the millions of idiots throughout America (like Raider fans, for example). No longer would lack of cognitive ability be a barrier to lucrative jobs. What slack-jawed moron wouldn't dream of being able to sit between Steve Young and Tom Jackson, with your sole responsibilities being to get yelled at for unfathomable reasons by Mike Ditka and picking a few skill players who might have good games? Heck, they should put him on billboards.

All in all, it would be a great shame if Michael Irvin lost his job over this. I mean, who wants to inhabit a world where Chris Berman gets even more air time on NFL Countdown?


Blogger Bryan Koch said...

Law is gone after this season. Unfortunately, Miller doesn't seem ready at all.

12:52 PM  

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