Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Valentine's Day Musings
By Blogger

Valentine's Day. Though I've had my share of relationships over the years, I've never been "with someone" on February 14th. This year is no different. So, as men and women around this fine nation of ours exchange cards, chocolate, kisses, cuddles, and other assorted signs of endearment, my mind turns to people with whom I wish I were lucky enough to share a card, chocolate, kisses, or cuddles in the dead of winter. Since this is Sportszilla, I'll limit my musings to sports-related folk.

Sue Bird
The obvious one. If I were an unconscious sexist, I'd call her feisty, but the proper term is tough. She's damn tough, and probably the only person in the world who can reasonably be called cute while wearing the Bill Laimbeer mask. Not only that, but she's a winner, both in college at UConn and in the pros with the Seattle Storm. Bird was also a central figure in my favorite underrated moment in MTV Rock 'N Jock Basketball history. I forget which year it was, but she was the only woman on one of the teams. The thing was, she was her team's best ballhandler (you have a dirty mind), yet all of her teammates refused to let her bring the ball up the court. To add further insult to an insulting situation, her ex-beau, Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, was on the other team, and he didn't acknowledge her at all, mostly because he was busy ogling and fondling his then-obsession, team "manager" Paris Hilton.

Cassie Johnson
She listens to Smashing Pumpkins to get pumped up for curling matches. For that alone, I can ignore that she also listens to Korn. After all, while the street heats the urgency of now, in three weeks, no one outside of Bemidji, Minnesota, will remember that striking blonde skip on the US women's curling team. I wonder which songs, exactly, she listens to while preparing for a match. Does she hear Billy wailing, "I fear that I'm ordinary, just like everyone"? Or does she prefer to hear him crow, "Today is the greatest day I've ever known"?

Valerie Alexander
I know she's, by all accounts, happily married to NFL MVP Shaun Alexander. But still. Maybe he had to go to New York for some promotional thing this week. Maybe he'll come across this blog and ask me to take his wife out to dinner and show her a good time, Marcellus Wallace style, and I'll accept against my better judgment, and when we get to the Beach Chalet restaurant on Ocean Beach in San Francisco, she'll order the calamari as an appetizer, and she'll squeeze a lemon wedge over the whole plate, all the while looking at me. I'll make small talk about football (of course I would), and how much time Shaun spends at his job. She'll ask me how well I know her husband, and I'll have to admit I don't know him personally at all. And it will be wonderful.

Huston Street
What is it with the Oakland A's developing so many handsome pitchers? Joe Blanton is the obvious exception, but among Tim Hudson, Mark Mulder, Barry Zito, and Rich Harden, none are hard on the eyes. Definitely the easiest on the eyes is young Huston Street. Now, I may be biased because the dude was my fantasy team's number two closer after Mariano El Mejor Rivera, but good God does this kid have The Good Face. And The Good Body. Besides closing, he played third base at the University of Texas, so I have no doubt that he could stroke a few line drives during BP, if he were so inclined. The kid is only 22 years old and already one of MLB's elite relief pitchers. Apparently, his girlfriend broke up with him during spring training last season. I have no idea what that might mean, other than that even hot Major League ballplayers can have the 100th Problem.

Natalie Coughlin
First, she's a Giants fan. That's important. Second, she went to a Catholic high school, Carondelet, the sister school to football powerhouse De La Salle in Concord, California. Hey, I'm a Giants fan. I grew up in the Bay Area. And I, too, went to a Catholic high school. We have three things in common! I'm also extremely impressed by the whole Olympic swimmer thing. Although, somehow, I get the feeling that what with all the training and whatnot, chocolate probably isn't high on her list of desired gifts, whereas I loves me my chocolate. I'm sorry, Natalie. Our romance is doomed. Doomed, I say. Just like every other romance I've ever had. But then again, if any of my romances hadn't been doomed, I wouldn't be thinking about you, would I?


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