Tuesday, August 16, 2005

All I Needed to Know About MLB I Learned from Women
By Zach

So Ben and I were having an AIM conversation a few days ago, and it gave us the idea of comparing every team in baseball to types of girls we knew from high school and college. Ben, as a Mets fan, wrote about the NL, and I, as a Mariners fan, wrote about the AL. The teams are grouped by divisions. So without further ado:

NL East

Atlanta: They’re not in the same grade as the Yankees, but they’re the perennial second hottest girl in town. Nobody knows how they have managed to keep it up for so long, since beauty is a fleeting thing. But for more than ten years running, they’ve always managed to be there in the end. Even when they lost their longstanding boyfriend, they got someone younger and in his prime. Everyone loves her parents and wonders how they’ve done such a marvelous job.

Florida: They’re the girl who was on top of the world some eight years ago, back in junior high. Then high school hit and she lost it all. Her boyfriend left her and she spent her weekends babysitting little kids. But sometime around freshman year of college she put it all back together and people just started realizing how cute she was. Now she’s struggling to hold it together and her boyfriend is looking to cash in with a better looking girl. She’s also trying to get a new place, since she always gets soaked whenever she’s home during a rainstorm.

New York Mets: They’re the pretty damn attractive younger sister of the hottest girl in school. She’s nicer, more together overall, but she’s got a serious self esteem problem. She ends up wasting her time slumming, giving up her best nights to some over the hill loser just to get noticed. So nobody respects her. Of course back in the 80’s, times were great. She’d stay up late nights doing lines of cocaine with her two stud boyfriends. It all caught up to them, but they do have great memories. Now she even seems to be cursed, like after her new, disappointing, high maintenance boyfriend had a rough accident in San Diego. Of course, all the guys who like her hope she'll return to her past glory, but that just means she tries too hard.

Philadelphia: They were the girl who always complained about how her father never let her do anything. Now that she’s out on her own, she can’t seem to get out of her own way, making dumb decision after dumb decision. Her 30 something boyfriend just sits at home nursing a bad back. And her place has become synonymous with scoring a lot on a nightly basis. Of course, the girl doesn’t exactly have a history of doing well, so expectations with her are usually tempered. Right now, not many people are paying much attention to her anyway. Ever since her cousin tossed her boyfriend and his Sharpie out on his behind last week, that’s been the biggest news story in town.

Washington: The girl who everyone thought would be hot if she got a makeover and some guys even liked her for trying. Hell she was the nicest girl around. One year she even had a chance at the homecoming crown, until the parade was cancelled because of fighting between the teachers and administration. She’d get some really good men around her and seemed to always be close to something special. But in the end she couldn’t keep them away from the flashier girls. Finally she did get that make-over and we were all intrigued. But in the end, she became way too enamored with her new look and started acting stuck up. And the guys who liked her before for what she was hate the bitch she’s become. Plus her place has a nasty reputation for being difficult to score in.

NL Central

Chicago Cubs: Nobody can figure out this girl. She’s attractive enough and has one of the best places around. She’s seen her share of good men, but in the end she seems to have the worst of luck. A few years back she was just minutes away from achieving her dreams and then it was gone in a flash. Now her dad works her too hard and puts too much pressure on her to succeed. As if that wasn’t bad enough, her friends and family always expect the worst from her. Plus she always gets hurt, sometimes in the most freakish of ways. Unfortunately, in many ways this poor girl has become the punch line in the longest running joke around. It’s been so long, she doesn’t even remember what a good time feels like.

Cincinnati: They used to be a fairly classy girl. But she caught up in a new wave of make-overs of the late 90’s. She changed her image and brought in the most eligible man out there. Now her man struggles to stay healthy enough to keep her happy while she shuffles about trying to find someone else. To do so, she’s opened up shop and gives it up almost as much as the Rockies do. The sad thing is the right guy is there in front of her, but this girl hasn’t Dunn anything right in nearly six years.

Houston: This is the girl who does nothing but drink herself silly the first half of the semester. She’s out every night partying, drinking, vomiting, hooking up, rather than studying. Then all of a sudden, midterms come and she straightens up a flies right. She closes the door to her room, puts the pedal to metal and somehow comes out with an “A” at the end of the term. The next semester she’s back doing the same thing. Of course few thought her relationship with her 43 year old boyfriend would last, but its running on two very successful years. Also, nobody can quite figure out what that pole in her room is for…

Milwaukee: A girl who just never drew any real attention. Nobody ever seemed to go over to her house, but then nobody ever seemed to make fun of her either. Few noticed when she transferred schools back in 1998. Maybe it was because her father was a used car salesman; people were always suspicious of something going on behind the scenes. Lately though, things have been looking up. She got a nice new home with a steady supply of beer to keep people around. A few real good looking young guys have been seen around the place too. So maybe, just maybe, in the next few years, this girl will go from obscurity to a little notoriety.

Pittsburgh: And we thought the gal from Cincinnati had fallen on hard times. This once proud lady has nothing to show for her last ten years except a nice looking new home on the Allegheny River. She’s been prone to taking up other girls’ rejects and castaways and losing them if they ever found their way again. However over the last two weeks, prospects are just a little bit rosier. She may have just found some nobility, a grand Duke of some kind who seems to have taken a liking to her. Things have gotten off to a fast start between them and it’s gotten everyone’s attention. Still, this girl has a long way to go to get back to where she was back in the early 90’s.

St. Louis: A girl who’s always had high standards and who always stands out in her eye catching red dress. Sometimes it even seemed like she could be overly flashy; she and some of her past boyfriends have been called show offs and hotdogs. However, her proud ego took a blow after the pounding she took at least year’s homecoming in October. She figured she would be homecoming queen, but that distinction went elsewhere in an almost embarrassing landslide. However, this year she’s back, strong as ever, behind her stud of a boyfriend. Right now she’s running away with the early balloting, but like last year, her fun in the summer will all be for naught if she can’t come away with the crown in the fall.

NL West

Arizona: The new girl a few years ago, she made her mark faster than anyone had before her. But she couldn’t keep up in the fast lane, and fell into the dumpster. In an attempt to get herself back on track, she dumped the guys who had helped her get to the top, realizing she had no choice but to go in a different direction. However, despite having no real good competition, she still can’t pull ahead. One wonders if she’ll ever be able to reclaim her early success.

Colorado: The slut. She scores every day and every night, so much so that it has lost all meaning. It’s gotten to the point guys that do well at her place aren’t taken seriously anymore. She has no idea what she’s doing now or what she should be doing for the future. She’s got no personality, no class; she’s just completely one dimensional. It’s like she’s in a world of her own where the laws of normal people don’t apply. All she knows how to do is bring guys home. But hey, she does that well.

Los Angeles Dodgers: The ultimate prude, supposedly it’s difficult if not next to impossible to score at her place. But she’s got a reputation to uphold and that’s difficult enough when some of her men are seen having affairs with sports reporters. It’s a Lowe down dirty shame that this is happening to the girl who was gutsy enough to bring a black guy to the all white prom. Of course some say she’s never recovered from that catch she let get away back in 1998. She had to watch in envy as her ex led the Mets to the dance in 2000. However this west coast girl has got enough memories to last her a lifetime, even if some of the better ones are from back east.

San Diego: The average nice girl, in a great city and solid new digs. She's always had a thing for the military, and guys who stay with her long term always end up putting on a lot of weight. She’s had moderate success over the years and nobody begrudges her for continuing to try. Right now, she’s still nothing special, and lately has been increasingly mediocre. But her competition just looks so bad, she can’t help but come out in the lead. How long can she go before her bad decisions, like investing in a bloated, over budget Parks project, catches up with her?

San Francisco: The girl going through a mid-life crisis way before her time. Her husband is a jerk who nobody likes, in addition to being a suspected user, but she’s got too much tied up in him to leave. He’s the only one who can put up enough money to raise the kids and pay for the mortgage on that shiny new home on the water. Still, she knows he’s not going to provide for her forever, so she had better figure out a new plan soon. But even when her husband's not around, she still hangs out with all of his old friends, making her the target of much derision.

AL East

Baltimore: Trust fund girl. She loves to drop money on brand name clothing, but most of the time it just makes her look silly. She’s good for a quick fling because she’ll be glad to pay for everything, but pretty soon you realize that there’s no substance. Her body is starting to age, but everyone still agrees she’s top of the line in that department. She sometimes seems like she’s put it all together, but tends to fade as the year goes on.

Boston: For her entire life she seemed to be overshadowed by the hottest girl in the class, who just happened to live down the block. Everything she wanted to do, the hottest girl could do better. She made the cheer squad, but wasn’t head cheerleader. She tried out for the school play, but was her understudy. She had a good number of loyal fans who insisted she was on equal ground with the hottest girl in school, but any outside observer just laughed at such claims. For years, whenever she’d have a chance to step in and show what she could really do, she’d choke under pressure, sometimes in almost ridiculous ways. Then, all of a sudden, the hottest girl in the school slipped. She messed up the big cheer routine, flubbed her lines in the school play, and suddenly Boston was in the limelight. Still, everyone expected the demons of her past failures to stop her short of her goal. But she romped her way to Prom Queen, which has everyone thinking a new day has dawned. Unfortunately, her new popularity has turned a lot of people off.

New York Yankees: For as long as anyone can remember was easily the hottest and most popular girl in school, and ruled with an iron fist. Her parents had plenty of money, so she was always well dressed, and while not the smartest girl, she always got straight A’s. She loved to lord her success over all the other girls in school, but while they resented her, they couldn’t argue with it. She had plenty of spectacular assets, even when some of them tended to be overrated. People said if they weren’t identified with her, no one would think they were so impressive. Plus, with her parents’ money, if she needed improvements she could (and did) just buy them. People even argued that she was bad for the school because she was so dominant. She looked unstoppable, and then a few blips came up. First, she was beat out for class president by a new student. Then, she dropped out early of the play tryouts, got beat out for head cheerleader, and worst of all lost a seemingly insurmountable lead to her biggest rival in the Prom Queen voting. Everyone expected her to go psycho, but she seemed to maintain her composure. Still, the chinks have appeared in the armor, and the other girls have always whispered about what a slut she is and how they all hate her, but only recently have some begun to say it aloud. Everyone says her reign is over, but they all secretly still fear her.

Tampa Bay: The new kid who no one talks to. She wears sweat pants every day, smells like she showers once a week, and has hideous acne. She’s never been asked on a date, not even as a joke. Rumor has it that she had some flings with (much) older guys when she was younger, but she refuses to admit anything. Most of the time, people forget she even exists.

Toronto: When she first moved to the school from Canada, everyone thought she was really cool. She was sporty and fun, and had a penchant for dramatics. But after a while it became clear that any greatness was clearly in the past, and she’s slid into mediocrity ever since. Every now and then she resurfaces for a bit, but no one takes her seriously any more.

AL Central:

Chicago White Sox: Good looking but clumsy. She can’t seem to figure out what she wants to be, sometimes looking really hot and other times seemingly disinterested. Gets more attention then she deserves because she lives in the right part of town. She’s overshadowed by her twin sister, even though both of them are more interested in having fun than success. Her parents praise her endlessly, which gets on most people’s nerves, though she thinks it’s endearing. Still, she looks like she might be finally putting it all together.

Cleveland: Was gangly as a kid, but turned out to be real hot. She had a great run with her boyfriend. They grew up together, and things seemed to be going great. Everyone liked them, and thought they were a great couple. People even assumed that they would be getting married. Still, they didn’t know that he had anger issues and acted like a kid most of the time. She told herself he would outgrow it, but sadly he outgrew her, and they broke up. She was devastated, and looked like hell for a long time. People wondered if she would ever rebound, and people even thought she was a poster child for the idea that looks can’t make you happy. She cautiously started dating a good looking underclassman, and might be on the verge of breaking out of her long slump. Still, she’s going to be a lot more cautious this time around.

Detroit: She hit rock bottom a couple of years ago when she moved out from her parents’ house into a bad neighborhood, started drinking regularly, and seeing a creepy older guy. Frankly she started scaring a lot of people around the school, and her old friends stopped talking to her. Plus, her grades, which were never great to begin with, tanked. She was weird, she’d only let you score if you took her away from her home. Still, she started going to some AA meetings, reconciled with her father, started wearing makeup again, and has some people cautiously optimistic about the future. She’s still got a long way to go before she makes it back to the top.

Kansas City: The laughing stock of the school. Every time she starts dating a guy, he’s stolen away by the more popular girls, so she’s stuck dating the math and science club guys. She gives it up plenty, but it hasn’t made her happy. Her looks are underrated, but no one seems to care because the rest of the package is so pathetic. Her terrible grades have led to rumors that she might get expelled, but no one expects the principal to actually go through with that.

Minnesota: After nearly being expelled a few years ago because of her poor performance in the classroom and lack of participation in activities, she totally turned her life around. She still isn’t much to look at, but has a great personality and is fun to be around. She’s made herself relevant again, but never has managed to get back to the top of the heap. Now, it looks like some of the good will she generated by her impressive turnaround is being wasted as she struggles to take the next step. She’s definitely an example of the whole being greater than the sum of the parts.

AL West:

Los Angeles Angels: Despite being good looking and getting good grades, seems to suffer from an identity crisis. Had a great run a couple of years ago, taking the school by storm with a fantastic performance in the school play, even though most people said it was a fluky thing. Then, she started dating possibly the hottest, smartest guy in school, and everyone was talking about her as a potential challenger for the other top girls in school. Still, she can’t seem to decide what she wants people to call her, and her latest name drew plenty of snickers from the school. Word around school has it that she may not be great at the beginning of dates, but finishes strong. Has her own little rivalry going with one of her neighbors, which, while not as notable as the one between Boston and New York, is still worthy of some note. She’s got a chance to make another big step this year, if she can put everything together down the stretch.

Oakland: Easily the smartest girl in school. Even though her parents are poor, she always manages to look good in whatever she wears, and is always dating some good looking young guy. Some say it’s because she does a better job scouting the young talent than anyone else, and other people say she’s just got a different way of looking at men. Of course, some of the other girls have picked up on some of her methods, but no one has yet managed to fully duplicate her success. Still, she’s hurt by her mediocre looks when it comes to reaching the upper echelon of girls, and most people don’t think she’ll be able to overcome that deficiency, at least not with her parents.

Seattle: An enigma. She’s hot, rich, and has a good personality, and yet she hasn’t been relevant in years. Once used to date the two hottest guys in school at the same time, and yet all it got her was heartbreak when they left right after each other. She found a new guy, a foreign exchange student, and while he’s exciting and cool, he doesn’t impress the way her old boyfriends used to. She also has had trouble letting go of guys, staying with them out of a misguided sense of loyalty, even when it’s clear they’re dragging her down. She’s also had a tendency to date older guys, something her family hopes she’s put behind her. Little do they know she’s still seeing a 42-year-old. But at least he’s been the same for the last 15 years, with little signs of decline. She’s just started seeing a new guy, apparently a member of a royal family, who everyone thinks could be amazing, but she’s leery because of plenty of bad experiences with guys like him in the past. Still, if he pans out, she could return to relevance sooner than people think.

Texas: She used to be little more than a slut, giving it up seemingly at will. Still, she’s tried to limit herself to only a couple of boyfriends at a time, and her current ones are doing pretty well for her. Her looks are starting to fade a bit, and people think that she’s never going to become a well-rounded person because she doesn’t know how to dress except like a slut. She sometimes looks like she might be making a run at respectability, but tends to fade late in the year. Plus, rumors keep leaking out that she had a major drug problem a few years ago. One of the guys she was with at the time just got busted, and a couple more have drawn their fair share of suspicion.


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