Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Shut Your Mouth, I Just Can't Take It, Again and Again and Again...
By Blogger

I went to the Niners game on Sunday. I think it's a sign of how terrible the team is that I've been to five or six games over the past two seasons (see, I'm losing count already) without ever paying for a ticket because the fans are bailing like Brandon Lloyd going over the middle. Not only is the team bad, but they played the Cardinals this week. Gag me with a steak knife.

Anyway, while I was sitting with my cousin, also named David (creative parents, we have), I found myself thinking about the Eagles-Seahawks Monday Night matchup. Unfortunately, the second thing to pop into my head, after briefly picturing Mike MacMahon picking himself off the turf, was "I like it, I love it..." and I'll stop right now before that thing gets stuck in your head.

I don't blame Tim McGraw for inflicting himself on football fans every week. It's his job to sell music, and if he thinks bastardizing one of his songs helps him sell more records, so be it. What I can't understand is why some producer and/or network executive thought this was a good idea. First, there was Hank Williams Jr. re-writing lyrics to "All My Rowdy Friends" for the start of every Monday Night game. It makes sense to stick with that one because it's really short and it acts as the theme song for the show. But then someone got the bright idea to re-write lyrics from the Coors "Here's To Football" song (aka "And Twins!") and use it on ESPN. I hated that idea from the start, but my non-hater side wouldn't allow me to complain because, I figured, at least some random studio voice artist had hit it big and was probably getting paid fabulous amounts in cristal and women just because he'd recorded a song for a commercial that hit a nerve. Good for him. But now, this Tim McGraw thing... It grates on me because it's so obviously a commercial ploy to increase McGraw's profile and does absolutely nothing to enlighten fans about football or the league or anything, really. Wouldn't fans be much more stoked to see an "NFL Matchup" style analysis of a couple plays from the first half instead of watching a quick-cut highlight reel with country music behind it?

I got to thinking, sometime shortly after Anquan Boldin scampered to the end zone through four missed tackles, how far will this music thing go? I mean, if the point is merely to sell records, would the NFL partner up with just anyone? Someone on Football Outsiders suggested Robert Smith could replace McGraw. I don't think Smith would go for it. Instead, I tried to think of someone who is purely a commercial confection. On top of that, suppose someone could convince the NFL and/or ABC that appealing to a demographic outside of their main targets would be beneficial. Would they consider using... oh, let's say... Kelly Clarkson?

By clicking the link below, you'll hear a rough approximation of what it might sound like. All I ask is that you keep in mind I blew out my voice at the Niners game. Even at 100%, I consider myself the Trent Dilfer of singers, in that there's no way in hell I'll ever win any singing contests, but if I stay within myself, I won't crap the bed. So, now that my excuses are out of the way, I present to you, "It's The NFL", or what I imagine Kelly Clarkson might sing if she had replaced Tim McGraw on Monday Night Football this week.


Blogger Zachary Geballe said...

Without a doubt the end of the song is the clear highlight.

Bow down before Tagliabue
If you don't, we'll break your thumbs
And steal your girl, and your mom.

Brilliant, David.

10:04 AM  

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